Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
