I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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