wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
