the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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