This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
