Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
