I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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