Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize