tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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