i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
