Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
