I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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