Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
