I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sext me about skeletons
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
