My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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