Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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