this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
