It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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