just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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