I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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