sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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