nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
