I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
