Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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