The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
