You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
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Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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