The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
