I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
