My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
