You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
