Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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