I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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