I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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