I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
