omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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