I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
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The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
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Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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