What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
