i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
