Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
