What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm having to shit out rocks
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