Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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