You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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