My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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