Sponge bath it is.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
