He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
