awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
