its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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