My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
