I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
