All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
