Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Randomize
