i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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