Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
