I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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