Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize