So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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