Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
false alarm. still invincible.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
