idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
