when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
