oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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