Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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